Self aware - we all are, aren't we!

Bikram Sutar September 25, 2025

11:53 PM, Wednesday, September 2025, I am writing this after a reflective conversation with a friend. Emotional intelligence, self-awareness, all this jargon gets thrown around a lot these days. What are they really? And why should you care? And who am I to write about these? And why should you read this?

Let me start with the last question: why should you read this? Everyone gets a $20 Amazon voucher at the end. Kidding. I will give you simple steps to have magical connections with people. If people tell/complain to you about the following, you should read -

You aren't aware - self-aware, emotionally aware, socially aware, etc.
You don't listen to me
You don't get me
You don't tell me, you don't open up, I don't understand you
You don't ask me questions
You don't have time for me
I can't trust you, I don't believe you
And so on.

Let's start with who am I? I am rated decently on the EQ scale, based on the people I have had interactions with, and they are highly rated for their EQ in the social circle. These are mostly successful founders or executives in the tech world. I am also connected to random strangers, listening to their life stories and sharing some of mine. I can't stop; there is another jargon I can throw here. But let me save that for later, this article anyway is gonna be long, hence no digression or twist.

I said no twist, hence let me make the context very clear upfront. Or you won't trust me, right? 😄.

If you had asked any of the above people about my EQ, let's say 15 years ago, they would have rated me very pathetically.
Interestingly, I would have still rated myself very high.

To make it easier to understand both 1 & 2, let me define what EQ and/or self-awareness really are. I don't follow textbooks; please bear with me.

Self awareness

Let's start with this. Let's start very simply. Every living thing that knows of its existence is self-aware. It is a very broad definition. For this conversation, let's stick to Humans. Every mentally healthy human being is self-aware. We know - we exist, we know we are hungry, we know we are angry, we know we are seen, heard, we are loved.

There is more depth to it, but trust me, you don't need to know them yet. They will just complicate things for you. Let's roll for now -

Every mentally healthy human being is self-aware. We know - we exist, we know we are hungry, we know we are angry, we know we are seen, heard, we are loved.

We know we are self-aware, but maybe we don't know the way to express this. Or why do we even need to express it?

EQ (Emotional Intelligence)

Well, EQ is the more quantifiable version of emotional intelligence, easy for comparisons. We humans love comparisons. I will use 'EQ' because it is short & easy. Tell me already, what is it?

Did you notice something in bold in the last paragraph? "We know we are seen, heard, we are loved." - These are the most fundamental needs of us, the humans. And this is what makes us human. We want to be seen, we want to be heard, and we want to be loved. And EQ is nothing but how much you can make someone feel seen, heard, and loved. This is why we need to express. I will make them feel that my act is so naive, because we can't always act (in the cliche "act" definition), or we can, actually making them feel is an act. Making ourselves feel is an act.

EQ is how much you can make someone feel seen, heard, and loved.

Don't come looking for my address to beat me up. I am gonna share more definitions. What does it mean to be seen, heard, and loved? If people feel seen, heard, and loved, all the above questions will be resolved correctly. I assure you, most of them would be gone.

People want to be seen

People want to be seen. They want you to notice them. We humans are so expressive. Even the most poker-faced people, even the most introverted people, want to be seen. You can't disagree. Please don't. Or how else would you explain walking up late, not having a good sleep, or having less energy on bad days? How would you explain your tone changing in conversations? How would you explain your leaning to people? And what about your eyes - pupils? We want to express. We are storytellers. And we want to be seen.

We want people to notice, notice the phases we are going through. Notice the bad day we are having. Notice the new dress we got. Those restaurants, family shops want you to notice their great-grandparents, who would have the pictures of them hanging on the main wall.

Or why else did we put Mahatma Gandhi's picture in the note? Why do we give people Bharat Ranta or the Nobel Prize?

We want ot be seen. Ask honestly, ask with an empty mind - imagine one fine morning you woke up, had a really good day. You are all happy and in a good mood (because your body wants to be seen). You want to tell it to someone. And your loved ones, family, ask, "You look so happy today".

We want others to notice this. Down shoulders, energy level, tone, mood - if you want to call it. How we react, how we act. We want others to see our emotions. But why?

Why do we want to be seen? We want to be heard

Yes, we want to be seen, because we want to be heard. We are storytellers. Evolved over a thousand years in close setup, in groups, and civilizations. We want to be relatable, we want to be listened to, we want to feel understood, we want people to empathize, we want to share happiness, we want to find hope...

If being seen is important, it is 10x more important to be heard. We can walk alone in a crowd, knowing no one will see us; we just need one person who makes us feel we are heard. Isn't it better to have a lot of people who make us feel seen, heard, and we do the same for them? If all of these relate, do share this with your friend. Maybe this is the only article that is written on my blog for sharing.

We want to be heard because it makes us feel we are not alone; we are part of something. And when I say "heard", I mean understanding me. We want to feel understood. And act if/what is possible in their capacity. It isn't always possible to act.

Have you seen a baby cry? Infants, when they start growing up, close to 8/9 months, they start identifying objects. But they still don't understand that things can exist outside of their vision. They cry, not seeing Momy, because they don't yet have the perception that Momy can exist even when she isn't in their sight. And when they see mommy, they want to go to her, because she knows them. She understands her crying. They don't have a language, but they still express, they still want to be seen. And they feel so good, because they feel heard. Success, happiness in the later part of life is so much connected with how deep their bonds are, how much they had to cry before someone cared for them.

Isn't this love? We want to feel loved

We want to feel seen, heard, trusted, respected, and cared for. If we get these, this is what love is. The mixture will look different in different stages of life. But you know all of these just compound over time. And if we practice seeing, hearing, and with respect, trust, and a bit of action and care, love is the beautiful result. It isn't magic. If this mixture doesn't fit well, if any of these vectors are disrupted repeatedly, the feeling of love will start to fade. It is one thing to feel loved; it is another to make someone feel loved. Both are magical, out of this world. I can talk about consciousness and out-of-the-world feeling more. But you would already be yelling at me. Hence, let me give you easy tricks to practice seeing and hearing.

Last stop before the destination, Communication is a multi-step funnel

Please bear with me for a few minutes, and I will hand you the tricks. It is important to understand that communication is a multi-step process. And in each step, there is a huge drop-off involved. Have you been to any public events? You see 100 people attending the event initially, and by the closing ceremony, there would just be say 40/50 people. And when you are in the organising committee, and you have to clean up the mess, it is just those handful of people. How hard is it to keep all those people in the event till you clean up the place and everyone walks out together? Pretty hard, right? Communication is equally hard. Don't laugh at me. I might be sounding silly. All of us have been communicating since birth, haven't found it hard. Barely any inconvenience, right? Let's set this up.

You want to say something
You say something
The other person listens to something
They understand something

1, 2, 3, 4 can all be different.

You might want to say something, but can't frame it well, can't recall the exact word. So there is a difference between 1 & 2 already. And this is just you.

Another person might miss a few words, an external disturbance, or their mental state. And they might make a different meaning out of it. Because they are a different person and they have lived different experiences in a different environment. What they listen to and what they understand can look so different. By this time, what you want to say might have come across as something different to this other person.

This can happen to us as well; what we listen to might be so different than what other people are actually trying to say.

How do we communicate better, so there is less room for errors? How do we ensure there is minimal drop off? Here we go, the tricks -

Don't assume anything. If you have any assumptions, lay them clearly. We don't know others' situations, others' lives, and our assumptions will always be incomplete if not wrong.
- Ask questions. If you have assumptions, ask if that assumption is correct.
Listen carefully, give them enough space to talk
- Again, ask questions, but don't just listen to ask questions. Let your curiosity be your guide. There are no stupid questions.
- If you feel like something stupid, personal, say it out loud to people. E.g., this might sound stupid, but I have this thing. And make them comfortable ignoring the thought/question. This will make your life easier, and their life easier if they want to ignore.
Make sure you understand
- Ask clarifying questions. Something like "..., is this correct, am I understanding this alright?"
- Summarize to them their own statements.
- If needed, ask for more information,
- Don't assume, ask questions, ask questions
Understand their need
- Are they asking a question?
- Why are they asking?
- You aren't writing an exam. You aren't given an MCQ.
- Ask questions. Answer their questions
- Avoid 1 line replies as much as possible.
- Give context, tell stories, we are storytellers.
Now it is time to give back
- Make sure you are understood
  - Set the context, set the theme, set intentions - with very clear words
  - Ask clarifying questions
  - Repeat main lines
  - Don't give a very long monologue, like this article. 😅
- To be understood, give them space to ask questions, give them space to carry on conversations
  - It is important for you to feel understood; it is equally important for your close ones to feel, they understand you. Or, they would be kicking themselves every day.
  - For the dumbest question like - Hey, did you eat something?
    - Think why are they asking? Why are they making fool of them? What would they do with the information?
    - Well, because they care. They want to make you feel seen and heard.
    - Some answers to the question
      - Yes.
      - Yes, just ate xy.
      - Yes, had xy. Went out to eat after so many days. It was too hot and I didn't feel like getting out of my ac cabin. But I had to see the sun right. I don't regret going out now. Although traffic was bad. But I saw a few kids walking back from school all jumping around. So happy faces.
    - You know, to anwer like the last anwer you have to see things, notice them, hear them. Trust me you will live more joyfully.
- If you aren't heard,
  - Remind them, Give them reasons
    - Let's say you have to get your book back, you had asked them already. Being heard means, being understood. If they didn't do their act, itis time to remind
      - Hey, send my book back
        Sounds like you don't trust them.
      - Hey, send me the book back? Its been a while so I thought of reminding you.
        I kept the first sentence same, intentionally. I added the reason and they now know why I am needing to remind.
        They can reply with something like - I was really busy shifting my house. I am still finding where have I kept it.
        You didn't know, they were shifiting house, be curious, ask where, when did they shift, and if you feel comformtable (why not) ask why did they shift?
  - Open up, Share your volunaribilities
    - Share how you are also struggling with current landlord.
    - This might be an oppotunity find a new house, or a chance to just relate and being heard.
    - Sharing volunaribilities doesn't make you weak, instead it makes the connections stronger. People can relate to you more, and they can trust you more.
Practice above for a few days actively. Reflect on your conversations and think where you could have given more context, where you could have made others feel more understood. Where you felt seen, heard, loved.

Easy self awareness

When you feel seen, heard, loved - I want you to ask yourself what made you feel that.

Let's try

I felt loved today. Why? Because I met Y. Why? Why did meeting Y made me feel loved? Because Y loves me, cares me? Those are abstract things, I want specific answers, How does Y make me feel loved? Y was so excited to meet me, I felt special. Well we are somewhere.

It is such a good feeling. I want Y to feel this. But hey, did I make Y feel the same?

If Yes - well done! Let me tell Y, if I can, I feel so good now.
If no - I still have time, Let me tell Y, I felt so good after the meeting. And let me try to make the feeling same for Y from next time.

We are truly self aware now. We don't only know our emotions and states, but we also recognise the triggers. Why it happened in the first place. And we are doing so good with the social, relationship EQ, by relaying this. And making others live lovely.

I want you to try this for next few days, whenever you sit to eat something -

I want you to ask - How do I feel now? Why do why I feel so? And follow the above template.
- What can I do better right now, to feel seen, heard and loved?
I want you to ask who is the most important person I met so far today, How did I make them feel?
- Did I make them feel seen, heard, loved?
- If not what can I do now?

Let me summarize, just the tricks

To be self aware and rank high on EQ we need feel to be seen, heard and loved. And we need to make others feel seen, heard and loved. We don't need to complicate the world. We need to practice active, no-stupic open communication. We need to constantly listening ot our own feelings, by asking right questions. We need to be listenings others to understand them as much.

Let me give you two simple tricks

First, I want you do follow this while sitting to eat, 3 time a day, like a medicine for next 1 week.

I want you to ask - How do I feel now? Why do why I feel so? And follow the above template.
- What can I do better right now, to feel seen, heard and loved?
I want you to ask who is the most important person I met so far today, How did I make them feel?
- Did I make them feel seen, heard, loved?
- If not what can I do now?

2nd, everyday at night I want you to re-read the 6 communication steps. Keep a counter of how many times you try something from the steps without thinking much in next 1 week.

I want you to re-read this article tomorrow once - just do a brief walk. Comeback and re-read this article after a week.

We are storytellers. Self aware, we all are. I want you to feel seen, heard and loved. Take care.