The Crush

I had a crush 🥰. I had shared this on my WhatsApp 2 years ago. I was talking to a friend a few days ago. I shared a song. And shared how it feels. I also shared that I had a crush. It was a long, long time ago - Way back in school. 

This is exactly what I mean by Crush. No, it isn't a typo for Crash, which I also had a few years ago. The front bonnet of the car I was driving was destroyed. Thankfully, I wasn't even hurt. Changed me to realise small joys even more & drive more carefully. Well, that's a different story. A blissful evening all by myself is better spent structuring my Crush story. 

My heart dropped a beat

    

I was at a wedding, sitting beside a beautiful lady, married. She asked me -

She - When are you getting married?

Me - I don't know

She - Why?

Me - Because I haven't found anyone compatible.

I didn't want to make it a long answer. I didn't want to tell her a lot, explain what I was thinking. We weren't that connected. We were in a wedding venue, and had to scream every time to be audible. I thought we could move on from the conversation with this answer. She asked

She - How? Why did you not set someone up?

She giggled and went on to mention how everyone is doing love marriage, and not seeing someone is a bad idea. 

Oh, boy, for a second my heart dropped a beat. For a second, I wanted to tell her - because I HAD A CRUSH ON YOU. It was a long time back, but it was special.

It would have been a scene. I don't mind paying for such a scene. You know the saying, Thoughts travel faster than light. It did, and it did ruin the scene. I didn't tell her anything. I laughed, agreed, and moved on. In an alternate universe, I would have screamed for sure. 

How beautiful she is (was)

She was really beautiful. And beauty is all in the eyes; it depends on who is looking and what they are looking at. I am not gonna give specifics for you people to figure this out. And if you feel like the girl, no, you weren't. Even when we had the above conversation. I had similar conversations with a lot of you in a very similar setup. What else do we have in common to talk otherwise? Maybe that was you. Keep reading. You had a great impact.

I had a crush on her. She was really beautiful. She had beautiful eyes. She was caring and full of optimism. She was so perfect. Felt my heart was beating for her - jiya dhadak, dhadak jaye (Youtube link). This was the song I had shared with my friend. 

The crush lasted for maybe 2/3 months. I never told her. I am the opposite of an impulse doer. In people I used to observe and observe. For things I used to procrastinate, this is my trick to stay under my budget. I was observing her - she gave me hope every day. She. gave me optimism every day. We didn't talk about these things - ever. But she did give me all the energy I needed at that time. Optimism was all I needed at that time. 

After 2/3 months, the crush faded away. Seeing her again never gave me the same blush. I used to have high expectations from people - on parameters like honesty, keeping a lot of self-pride, being specific and conscious about ownself. She wasn't there in many of those parameters, I realised. I still felt special, I still felt in love, but a picture of her faded in my heart.

She taught me love, well, she doesn't know she taught me. She taught me the purest form of love. I used to walk on the field (Barikhar Khetir Ali) in monsoon rain, to help father in farming, I used to write songs, and I started writing poems. A heavy rain still takes me back to that feeling. I wasn't in love with her anymore; I started loving the feeling of love instead. I used to go for a run, and I thought someone was watching. This used to make me feel special; it still does. I used to write thinking someone was reading, and I still do. I am still blushing. Optimism that feeling gave me, I felt special, every time I fell, that feeling was there to pick me up.

I have never described this. I don't know how to describe. I feel I can write a poem, and that will explain this better. That feeling made me cheer the monsoon rain, sing blue sky, and clouds; that feeling helped me be where I am. I am not an artist, not a school-trained traditional one, but still, that feeling made me one. Or so I like to believe. 

The gift of love

As I said, her picture has faded, and I don't even remember well how she looked back then. I tried one day remembering her very hard in the middle of a reflection time, plus rain. No, I couldn't remember her face. But this feeling is eternal. This feeling of love, of being special - this is going to last with me forever. This gives me optimism, as it was a big part of the hopes I had. It is a big part of the peace I have. It is so pure, I look at parents and find the same kind of love. It is all about giving and not expecting anything in return. But it gives so much back. I have seen fathers giving up their drinking habit, and I have seen mothers becoming stronger, more resilient, confident, and independent. Love without expectations, without anything in return, does return so much more than people with expectations can ever imagine. 

Leaving you here with a movie that reflects a similar journey. It is a good watch and completes what I am saying here. 

Nanhe Jaisalmer - Youtube link

Note: I didn't add details about her, no specific timelines, no specific places. I know a few people with a lot of time interested in figuring this out. I can't leave clues here. But if we had the above conversation, you would know it was you. You had a big impact, without realizing it.